As long as the inability to find clear values in our absurd lives continues to be unavoidable, war and misery and death will never cease to be highly entertaining.
Benson Bruno
Democracy: when artists lose patronage and are simply patronized. This is the case everywhere except America, where true art has never existed, and democracy has recently followed suit.
funny art true democracy artists america lose
I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy.
funny humor challenge people future remember imagine hope books
Snufflers are afraid to experience the abundant possibilities of air, its hidden flurries of ferment. The denial of life is strong in the nose-breather.
funny denial nose
funny humor entertainment absurdity
Nowadays, all a man can do to be original is to cite the earliest known quote on that subject. Women, though, have no problem being original. In fact, women are always being original. I constantly have to tell my wife to stop talking so much nonsense.
funny gender humor men-and-women originality
I want to be a man of mountaintops: to scale the heights, achieve a sublime transcendence, and breathe in the thin air. Transcendence requires suffocation.
funny transcendence
I want everyone to throw sugar and cream at each other, then lie about it. I want to attend an ice cream antisocial.
funny humor ice-cream
My bootlegger used up all the whiskey when he went on that drive, but I drank his gasoline before he left. I really should have checked his tank before chugging that bottle.
funny humor alcohol
A customer facing crucial decisions: What should I wipe myself with? What should I brush with? His personal hygiene was deteriorating rapidly as he stared at the rows of possibilities, sweating profusely. Would he ever bathe again?
funny consumerism hygiene
I don't want my wife to have more sons; the two we have now are too much like her. When we're ready for another child, I'm cloning myself.
funny humor children
One last moment of inspiration is worth more than the most efficient oxygen machine.
funny humor inspiration
Beautiful women baffle me, but homely women insult my bafflement.
women funny beautiful ugly confused
The intersection of pork and man was circumscribed with vagueness. Until now sausage was a mysterious world: the fenced-in landscapes of strange, exotic muds, the cloak-and-dagger butchers that veiled their conversations in Old French, the silencing of whole towns upon a nocturnal report of a flying swarm of oinks, the secret herbs and spices involved in the intestinal displacement before my screen. My own sacred art suddenly stirred a sense of understanding in me as to why pig farmers were so reluctant to explain their missing bicuspids to outsiders: sausage could not have effects.
funny mystery
The two seemed on casual terms, leading me to wonder how long this limousine had been in her life, and whether she had ever seen the inside, and if so, whether she climbed in the front seat or the back, and if the front, did she help navigate, and if the back, did she change into a fancy dress and sip champagne - or just sparkling wine.
funny adultery
Frosting was his favorite. He liked to eat doughnuts at every meal. Because it was healthier to eat six small meals a day than three large ones, he restricted himself: jellied for breakfast, glazed for brunch, cream-filled for lunch, frosting for linner, chocolate for dinner, and powdered sugar for 2 a.m. Supermarket stakeout. Because linner coincided with the daily crime peak, he always ate his favorite variety to ease him. Frosting was his only choice now, and upsetting his routine was a quiet thrill.
funny police
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