A word to the wise ain't necessary it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it.
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own parenthood, but it didn't because parenting can be learned only by people who have no children.
You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything even povertyyou can survive it.
Men and women belong to different species, and communication between them is a science still in its infancy.
When you become senile, you won't know it.
People will frighten you about a graduation....They use words you don't hear often... 'And we wish you Godspeed.' It is a warning, Godpeed. It means you are no longer welcome here at these prices.
As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak she gave me a younger brother named Russel, who taught me what was meant by survival of the fittest.
The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.
Advertising is the most fun you can have with your clothes on.
A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need the advice.
If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.
I am certainly not an authority on love because there are no authorities on love, just those who've had luck with it and those who haven't.
My eleven year old daughter mopes around the house all day waiting for her breasts to grow.
The essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly on streets that we reluctantly shared with traffic.
Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die.
My wife and I have five children; the reason we have five children is because we do not want six
Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework
Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.
These people marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an education and now we've got these knuckleheads walking around.
Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy.
Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes.