That's why ears have cartilage, to keep them from flapping.
And of course, when you see your brother in the toilet bowl...there's a little voice that say, 'I wonder where he would go...'...if it hadn't been for his head...
Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.
You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.
I am not interested in statistics that tell me things are not as bad as they seem. Things are horrible. I have met people crying about what is happening, but there is no solution yet. Our children are trying to tell us something, and we are not listening. I don't care what the statistics say.
We see a successful, elegant man now, but as a child, an adolescent, his life was not a done deal. Sidney respected his mistakes. When failure came, he never said, This is too difficult, too hard, he had the resiliency to try again. His life is somewhere between astounding and unbelievable.
And tired always followed sick. Worst beating I ever got in my life, my mother said, I am just sick... And I said, And tired. I don't remember anything after that.
Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.
Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.
A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.
Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger.
You know what my father's favorite game is? Come here and pull my finger.
I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy? And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are.
When ask you a question, you try and answer, they tell you to shut up! Day and night, night and day, work my fingers to the bone, for what? I don't... SHUT UP! And when I ask you a question, you keep your trap shut! Think I'm talking to hear myself talk? ANSWER ME!
My parents never smiled... because I had brain damage. My wife and I don't smile because our children are LOADED with it!! Oh, my parents smile now, whenever they come over to the house and see how much trouble I'm having. Oh, they have a ball! Havin' a li'l trouble, huh, son?!
There is no labor a person does that is undignified; if they do it right.