How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can't buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat?
Carroll Bryant
One should never give up on hope. Unless that's the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up.
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He who laughs last.. Just didn't get the joke.
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Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you're the one getting slapped with the stick.
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What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer.
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All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it.
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Don't bite off more than you can chew because nobody looks attractive spitting it back out.
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I never fail. It's just that the people around me succeed more than I.
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If you want to dance the dance then you better learn the steps, the world has enough pretenders. If you want to practice sex then you better find a partner, and to love you must surrender.
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Luck is the bastard child of Fate and Destiny.
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Today I feel like I did tomorrow.
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If they're not going to respect you, then they best damn well fear you.
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Cool people are only cool for the first thirty minutes of knowing them. After that, they just become annoying.
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Knowledge may be power, but half of what I know I wish I could forget.
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Intelligence is being intelligent enough to know you're not so intelligent as you intelligently once thought.
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