Why don't you climb down off the cross, take the wood to build a bridge, and get over it!
Texas is killing people in the 73rd trimester.
My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment. I never went hungry, although he did a couple of times so I wouldn't.
Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my god that was so easy! It only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men.
I want to be cremated. Then I want to you to take the ashes, I want you to put them in a douche bottle, find a hooker, and run me through one more time. On my children, I did not write that. I am repeating it.
Thomas Jefferson said, The tree of liberty must be fertilized from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. Yeah. I read that and thought, I'm out!
... And if you are a man wearing capri pants...? You need to take your guy card out of your wallet and pass it forward. Then... yeah, then, on the way home I want you to buy a tube of Vagasil, a VW convertible, and have your boyfriend drive you the rest of the way home, 'cause you are dismissed.
And me having kids, with my family history? My mom: mentally ill, shot and killed her last husband. My father: six ex-wives, four heart attacks. Both of my parents think alcohol is a food group.
Without her I don't exist. Without her, I wouldn't be doing this for a living. Without her, in four states, it would still be legal to kill a man with a cappuccino machine. She touched a lot of lives.
At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year FUCKING hangover man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet on a daily basis.
If you're already so low on the parental totem pole, skill-wise, that you're letting your child scream frickin' in a public place...just let 'em say fuck.
I don't fail. I succeed at finding what doesn't work.
This horrible decade where all of us men tried to be individual rebels...by wearing the exact same flaming skull on a bedazzled Ed Hardy thermal. I have three of them, I'm not laughing at you I'm laughing with you.
And one more thing I want to be clear about- I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge creamy center of raging arrogant a-hole. I got it.
He looked like the type of dad that volunteers to hand out the trophies to the losers in Little League. And when did that start?! You don't get a trophy for losing... You get pizza and you shut up.