I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.
Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: Hey, perfect.
I saw this on CNN a few days ago. In New York these cops freaked out. They shot at this guy 15 times 'cause they thought he was holding a grenade. HE WAS EATING A PEAR!! How do you fuck that up?! Unless he was eating it like AHHHHHH! *throws pear* THAT'S A DELICIOUS PEAR!!!
In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.
You told your mother I was gonna blow you up with a fucking pumpkin bomb? What did she say? She. Was. Terrified. She wants me to move home.
I invite her back to my apartment, or as I call it, the Death Star. I'm still working on it, it's not completely operational.
My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor.
I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.
Who doesn't like movies? Who has ever said, Hey, you wanna go see a movie? Fuck that and fuck your movies! It's ridiculous, the whole idea of it! It's just wrong and fake and NO!
I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.
If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.
I was being chased by a giant crab. That's not funny.
I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.