New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75 of the population.
People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.
Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.
New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.
We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.
President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?
There is a new billboard outside Time Square. It keeps an up-to minute count of gun-related crimes in New York. Some goofball is going to shoot someone just to see the numbers move.
Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.
I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
Sometimes something worth doing is worth overdoing.
Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.
Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.
President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
Labour day is a great American holiday that peoplecelebrate by going out and buying products made in China
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.
A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.