If you drink don't drive. Don't even putt.
it was a woman who drove me to drink, come to think of it I never did hang around to thank her for that'<br/><br/>'Hey lady! do I look all blurry to you? 'Cause you look blurry to me!'
I'd hate to be a teetotaler. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day.
I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up.
Milton Berle is an inspiration to every young person that wants to get into show business. Hard work, perseverance, and discipline: all the things you need...when you have no talent.
I've got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are 'hello,' 'goodbye,' and 'I'm pregnant'
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day.
There's a statue of Jimmy Stewart in the Hollywood Wax Museum, and the statue talks better than he does.
When Jerry Lewis and I were big, we used to go to parties, and everybody thought I was big-headed and stuck up, and I wasn't. It was because I didn't know how to speak good English, so I used to keep my mouth shut.
Sorry, Buddy. We've already got three.
I would rather have a free bottle in front of me than a pre-frontal lobotomy