Dont clap Im not a jazz band for Christs sake.
You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'
I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?
I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.
I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just get out of a chair when I'm not expecting it.
I'm not a fighter, I'm a bleeder.
Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.
Its not easy being a man you know. I had to get dressed today and there are other pressures.
Jokes in sitcoms only work when they're not conspicuous and they reveal character.
I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will try to foist on anybody who looks like a likely candidate.
It's true that I have spoken about doing a book before, but then everyone you speak to is planning to write a book.
The careers teacher told me I had a clear choice: if I didn't end up going to university I'd end up robbing post offices.
Showing off seemed to me to be a highly valuable and necessary activity when I was 20.
People walk past me in the street and look at me, but because they think I work in their office and they can't remember my name.
Don't you DARE use party as a verb in my shop