A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
People always ask me, Where were you when Kennedy was shot? Well, I don't have an alibi.
New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'.
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something...
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.