I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.
You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!
People come up to me and say, Emo, do people really come up to you?
Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed 00. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip... which, according to your own very latest government Pentagon spending figures, will more than make up the difference.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, I'm going to mop the floor with your face. I said, You'll be sorry. He said, Oh, yeah? Why? I said, Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.
I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, I'm going to mop the floor with your face. I said, You'll be sorry. He said, Oh yeah? Why? I said, Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.
When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!