I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.
When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon...
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.