"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a firefly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement
Television is the triumph of machine over people.
Television is a new medium. It's called a medium because nothing is well done.
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns he should be drawn and quoted.
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard - let him worry about cutting it.
The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own hand.
An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.
When a radio comedian's program is finally finished it slinks down Memory Lane into the limbo of yesteryear's happy hours. All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.
The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.
Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission
The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret.