Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight They never mention that part to us, do they
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
What does it mean to pre board? Do you get on before you get on?
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second best policy.
Weather forecast for tonight dark.
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck
When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes
We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac
Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with
The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good Amercian because I like to form my own opionions.