"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning,....sleep late.
My wife is a light eater ... as soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.