If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.
I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning.
I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.
He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse.?
I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that.
What more proof do you need to illustrate how America is the land of the free than the fact that the US has the highest incarceration rate in the world??
The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg my friends to treat me that well.
Blood may be thicker than water, but it's certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries.
Love is the most amazing feeling in the world. Let me double check. Yep, love is a feeling.
I just recently figured out how mirrors work. Pretty cool. That guy always hungrily staring at my naked body was me!
Leave the cage open. If you love someone, give them a chance to leave. You can always lock them up again should they return to you.
I know a woman loves me when she leaves me leftovers in the fridge from the date she went on the night before.?
Love is a tomato. And while it's true that I can live without a tomato, I could sure go for some ketchup.
I want to spend less time talking about myself, and more time listening to what other people have to say about me.
I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car.