I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.
We don't do that here. We only take urine samples.
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
You might be a redneck if ...the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead
Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.
Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't want to be hip.
Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to verify it?
I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.
I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family.
People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school.
Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling.
People always ask me, Did you see Larry's latest movie? I always say, No, but I flushed a ten dollar bill down the toilet, so I feel like I've seen it.
Buying a used rental car is kind of like going to a house of ill repute looking for a wife. Anything that's been driven that hard by that many people, you really don't want to put your key in it.
Find something in life that you love doing. If you make a lot of money, that's a bonus, and if you don't, you still won't hate going to work.