Jim Gaffigan Quotes on humor

You ever walk behind someone walking so slow slow you have to hold yourself back from stabbing them? '.. You better move it along, huh. My walker has wheels for a reason. You ever walk next to that stranger who wants to walk the same speed as you? '.. Get the fuck away from me.. What are we--on a date here? I don't even know you.' Sometimes I find myself being a weirdo.. You ever been walking next to some stranger and for no reason at all you decide that if you beat them to the corner, you'll be a millionaire? They're like, 'whatever'. HAHA! I get to press the walk button for you!.. You think those walk buttons do anything? I think some guy at the government was like, 'What can we give the morons to press? How bout a button?' You always press 'em, you're like, '.. Maybe I didn't press it hard enough..' Then someone will come up and be like, 'Did you press it?' --'Yeah, I pressed it.' They're like, 'Why don't you press it again?'--'You're like, 'Yeah I'll press it again.' Then at that point it changes and you're like, 'I did that. I changed the traffic in the city.. I have a lot of power.' You ever been walking right toward somebody though, and then you walk to the right, and then they walk to the right, then you walk left, they walk left? You know how there's like that awkward moment?.. Just lean forward and kiss 'em. '.. Looked like you wanted it from my angle.' Then when they're walking away just hit 'em on the ass. (Pshhh) 'You'll be back! You'll be back for some of that loving.''