I honestly never once heard them fight. They yelled at us kids all the time, but never at each other. My siblings and I joke to this day about how the reason we have trouble in relationships is because we never learned how to fight from our parents.
So yes, I say things I regret constantly, and I just can't help it.
Most people new to a city on the ocean would probably go to the beach during the day when there are people around. I, on the other hand, decided to try a midnight swim at the somewhat gamy Santa Monica pier, by myself. That is, until a nearby guard kicked me off the beach for my own safety.
But if something funny happens, I can't resist. I have to tell the people.
The beauty about the D-list is that people who are on it probably don't know they are.
Nothing gets me more nervous than white people who talk black.......I mean, it's fun on Ricki Lake, but in real life......
People with cancer like to wear jogging suits.
I was raised right, I talk about people behind their backs. It's called manners!
Wake up people! If you are gay and living in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, what the fuck else are you gonna do? You're gonna join the musical theatre. That's all you got in Pigeon Forge - there's no bear bar! This is it. Suit up.....put the wings on!
My act has always reflected what's going on in my life.
My act is based on my life.
That's life when you're on the D-list.
All of a sudden, I'm thinking, these guys aren't so bad. I'm like the type of asshole where if you're nice to me once, I'm your friend for life. Sure, you hacked your kid's clit off, but you were nice!
I was in the Oak Park theatre group. But we never had 0 000 to take an ad out! We were lucky if we had money for the glitter for the fucking poster!
So then, I go to this other guy who's just a civilian guy and minding his own business and I go to him like this Burka - NO! Burka - BAD! Like he's one of my dogs!
I do road gigs occasionally but I don't want to go out on the road for months at a time.
When Sharon Stone asks you to do something, you just just do it. If Sharon Stone asked me to eat her poo, I'd be like yeah, what's a good time for you?.(Pretending to eat poo) This is really good poo Sharon, thanks.(To the audience) Stop picturing it...........and come back!
And then she (Brooke Sheilds) says the ill-fated words You have to put this in your act. And I said What, I would never! Because it's a private time!!
They would give us these helicopter rides, and every time we'd get on, the drivers would say now do you want to ride, or do you want to rrrride? On the helicopter! I'd be like I want the ride... the first one... the boring one... the ride. I don't want the rrrride... I want the ride!
You'll have to excuse my friend, Ryan. That's the first time he's ever touched a woman.
Do you know why I'm thin? Because I'm hungry ALL the time!
(About Joe Jackson) First of all, he's sitting there with the pimp hat, and the tattooed drag queen eyebrows. Like maybe this whole time, he just has a separate drag character that he does at night.........named La Toya!
So, Hanson, which one of you boys is coming home with me tonight?
(describing Celine Dion's family of 14 siblings) You know there is just issues and boundries and secrets. The name of my book.
We didn't know that the (Jackson) family was as nuts as we're now finding out. Who knew that Michael was the normal one??