Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then.
I tell people that I've now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently.
I'm really only happy when I'm on stage. I just feed off the energy of the audience. That's what I'm all about - people and laughter.
It has to do - I think - with growing up in an apartment, with my aunt and my cousins right next door to me, with the door open, with neighbors walking in and out, with people yelling at each other all the time.
It's that I wasn't suited to do the kind of comedy that these people were coming to hear - mainstream comedy.
Millions of people are married. I've never picked up a paper and seen a headline that says, Man Gets Married!
Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.
There's a sense of spontaneity, and no emphasis on jokes in this show. People generally talk the way they talk in life if you were in this particular situation.
I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people.
I've led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation.
I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian.
I couldn't be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War.
If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny.
The only change I can really see is that I don't have to shop for pants in stores anymore.
Most of the time I'm thinking, I'm glad that scene was improvised.