I got so pissed I took a little poll to see if anyone was sick of gettin' taxed as much as I am. I called 100 people one night and here's the results: everyone I polled said, You dumb ass, it's three o'clock in the morning!
That show Biggest Loser is a dumb show. If I wanted to see fat people struggle with their weight, I'd go to my family reunion!
Do deaf people have alarm clocks? I asked a deaf guy that one time, the sumbitch just stared at me.
I love to hunt, man. Went hunting once near a nuclear power plant and got myself a 34-point rabbit. We usually go there at night, cause all the critters glow in the dark!
My mom went to that same doctor and got a butt lift. It's a little too lifted, I think, alright. Now every time she farts only dogs can hear it.
Actually, you can make pretty good cash on stage without being a comedian or a stripper. My brother once won a talent contest by fartin' the song Dixie through an oil funnel. He not only took home 500 bucks, he got to meet Regis after the show. Who says dreams don't come true?
A buddy of mine was mad at his son the other day 'cause he got caught having sex with his teacher. I thought, Hey, that's pretty cool! Problem was, he was home-schooled.
Oh like you never did that before! Every man - every man has done this! Just tuck your weiner between your legs, run around your house, lookit at yourself in the mirror, and say, Oh, hey there, I'm Roseanne! You know, like on the Rosie O'Fatass show.
I had a buddy of mine call up the other day, all upset 'cause he slept with his third cousin. And I'm like, Man, if it upsets you that much, quit countin' them!
Ever order breakfast at Denny's, and then you go to the bathroom and yer in there so long you gotta order lunch from the stool?
Have you noticed lately how video games are getting way more sexually explicit and violent? I really gotta buy me one of them games!
Did you hear about the high school football coach who got in trouble for letting his players have sex with his wife? How does that work? Robinson! Get in there!
I used to be a bitch. I met her at Hooters. She didn't have big boobs, but she could turn her head in a circle just like an owl.