If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.
The whole motivation for any performer is 'Look at me, Ma.'
There are never enough 'I love yous'.
Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.
Communism is like one big phone company.
The what should be never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no what should be, there is only what is.
The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them
The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it...try to fake three laughs in an hour -- ha ha ha ha ha -- they'll take you away, man. You can't.
Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.
If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish
A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.
Let me tell you the truth. The truth is what is, and what should be is a fantasy. A terrible, terrible lie that someone gave to the people long ago.
Life is a four-letter word
Take away the right to say fuck and you take away the right to say fuck the government.
When you're eight years old nothing is your business.
If I get busted in New York, the freest city in the world, that will be the end of my career
A Jew, in the dictionary, is one who is descended from the ancient tribes of Judea, or one who is regarded as a descendant from that tribe. That's what it says in the dictionary, but you and I know what a Jew is: One Who Killed Our Lord... there should be a statute of limitations for that crime.
If something about the human body disgusts you, the fault lies with the manufacturer.