Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
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Humor is tragedy plus time
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritation and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Comedy keeps the heart sweet.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
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Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
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Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
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I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
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What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.
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I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
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April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
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A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.
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A big leather-bound volume makes an ideal razorstrap. A thing book is useful to stick under a table with a broken caster to steady it. A large, flat atlas can be used to cover a window with a broken pane. And a thick, old-fashioned heavy book with a clasp is the finest thing in the world to throw at a noisy cat.
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A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it.
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I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.
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The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.
There are those who scoff at the schoolboy, calling him frivolous andshallow: Yet it was the schoolboy who said 'Faith is believing what youknow ain't so'.
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I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.
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I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!
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I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
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