Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave When they think that their children are nave.
If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.
To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it Whenever you're right, shut up.
People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it.
I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all.
Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
An occasional lucky guess as to what makes a wife tick is the best a man can hope for, Even then, no sooner has he learned how to cope with the tick than she tocks.
Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you
Nobody agrees with anybody else anyhow, but adults conceal it and infants show it
Candy Is dandy, But liquor Is quicker
The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.
They take the paper and they read the headlines, so they've heard of unemployment and they've heard of bread lines, and they philanthropically cure them all by getting up a costume charity ball
Children aren't happy without something to ignore, And that's what parents were created for
Daybreak is one of the greatest disadvantages of living under the solar system: It means having to get up almost the very minute you go to bed, And bathe and shave and scrub industriously at your molar system And catch a train and go to the office an
Some debts are fun when you are acquiring them, but none are fun when you set about retiring them
A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold
There are people who are very resourceful, at being remorseful, and who apparently feel that the best way to make friends is to do something terrible and then make amends
There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, And that is to have either a clear conscience, or none at all
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
Hark to the whimper of the seagull. / He weeps because he's not an ea-gull. / Suppose you were, you silly seagull. / Could you explain it to your she-gull?
A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
Life is sobs, sniffles, and smiles, with sniffles predominating.
Life is not having been told that the man has just waxed the floor
I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, Were it not for making a living, which is rather a nouciance.