The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas
The problem with cats is that they get the same exact look whether they see a moth or an ax-murderer
My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.
It is my wish to die of unique causes, perhaps in a high-speed tricycle crash, a bizarre stapling incient, or as a result of inadvertently sucking my brains out through my ear while trying to untwist the vacuum hose.
They're not going to teach science at all. What they do is take the science students down to the lake, tie them in burlap sacks and throw them in. If God thinks they're good science students, they float.