If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.
Money's scarceTimes are hardHere's your fuckingXmas card
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.