Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with'
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
Most turkeys taste better the day after my mother's tasted better the day before.
My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.
I don't plan to grow old gracefully; I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet
My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.
Whenever I date a guy, I think, Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.
I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.
I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.