Always buy pornographic books in hardback because they're easier to hold with one hand.
Above all others I pity the homeless: where can they go to masturbate?
People tell me I shouldn't smoke because it is makes you look like a tit. I use exactly the same argument when people tell me they go to the gym.
The government are tightening up on ID for sales of tobacco and alcohol so I recommend that young people take more drugs.
I have always been homosexual and it surprises me that more people are not; women's pink bits are moist and forbidding and I enjoy those qualities much more in a Victoria sponge.
Yes, you may ask my name but only if you can tell me: are your thighs as fine as a fresh, crisp morning in early July?
Delia Smith needs to realise that when Nigella flirts with the camera she comes across as a slut. When Delia does it she comes across as an old slut.
I will now sing another song for your pleasure. Now, if you like Phil Collins...you should be shot in the head.
I am with the Hot Sexy Banking Corporation. As all the other banks are going bust, they are just getting bustier.
I would say happy new year but it's not happy; it's exactly the same as last year except colder.
I am completely opposed to the British National Party; I couldn't possibly support people who find fluorescent yellow flyers appealing.