My dentist found a new way to cover up his bad breath.. He holds up his arms
Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips. Yet she won't drink from my glass!
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning.. Put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom!
I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor.. Doctor Vidiboomba. Yeah..I told him once.. Doctor.. Every morning when I get up and look in the mirror.I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said.I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.
I went to look for a used car. I found my wife's dress in the back seat!
She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (kingsize)
I was such an ugly kid - When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up
I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet
When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.