People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, no one drag is enough
I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.
I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction it was a misprint
They say 'love thy neighbor as thy self' , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too ?
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.
Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.
One time I went into a hotel, I asked the bellhop to handle my bag he felt up my wife.
My wife made me join her bridge club ... I jump next Tuesday.
My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles, So he nailed my other foot to the floor.
My old man, he carries around the picture of the kid that came with the wallet.
Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
My uncles dying wish was to have me sit in his lap he was in the electric chair
One year they asked me to be poster boy for birth control.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
What a dog I got. I tried to mate her she wants 50 biscuits.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
When I was born, the doctor said to my father, I'm sorry, we did everything we could but he still pulled thru.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.