One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me why I didn't ride around her. I told her that I didn't think I had enough gas.
Once in a restaurant I made a toast to her.. The best woman a man ever had.. The waiter joined me.
On Halloween. The parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year. One kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different. When I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said.. Did you see the guy that did it? She said.. No, but I got the license plate.
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him.. If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion.. He said.. All right.. You're ugly too!
My only thrill is self inflicted.. Hickies.
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent maker.
My girlfriend was no bargain either. She used to braid her armpits.
My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one of them had VD.
My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
My dentist has bad breath... Why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.