An educated person is one who has learned that information almost always turns out to be at best incomplete and very often false, misleading, fictitious, mendacious just dead wrong.
The only thing I was fit for was to be a writer, and this notion rested solely on my suspicion that I would never be fit for real work, and that writing didn't require any.
The worst thing about the miracle of modern communications is the Pavlovian pressure it places upon everyone to communicate whenever a bell rings.
Reporters thrive on the world's misfortune. For this reason they often take an indecent pleasure in events that dismay the rest of humanity.
Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperatelly I say that what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
I gave up on new poetry myself thirty years ago, when most of it began to read like coded messages passing between lonely aliens on a hostile world.
People who say you're just as old as you feel are all wrong, fortunately.
Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories - those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Live by publicity, you'll probably die by publicity.
It seems to be a law of American life that whatever enriches us anywhere except in the wallet inevitably becomes uneconomic
Situation comedy on television has thrived for years on canned laughter grafted by gaglines by technicians using records of guffawing audiences that have been dead for years.
The goal of all inanimate objects is to resist man and ultimately defeat him.
A solved problem creates two new problems, and the best prescription for happy living is not to solve any more problems than you have to.
Life is always walking up to us and saying, Come on in, the living's fine, and what do we do? Back off and take its picture.
People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out of the pleasure.
A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for not going to church on Sunday.
The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist.
Ah, summer - what power you have to make us suffer and like it
Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.
I gave up on new poetry myself 30 years ago when most of it began to read like coded messages passing between lonely aliens in a hostile world.
Don't try to make children grow up to be like you, or they may do it.
New York is the only city in the world where you can get run down on the sidewalk by a pedestrian.
Voters inclined to loathe and fear elite Ivy League schools rarely make fine distinctions between Yale and Harvard. All they know is that both are full of rich, fancy, stuck-up and possibly dangerous intellectuals who never sit down to supper in their undershirt no matter how hot the weather gets.
When it comes to cars, only two varieties of people are possible - cowards and fools.