My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I'll ask him when it's gonna start working again.
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NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ
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Mitt Romney's email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they're from a bot, he's fixed the problem.
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Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
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After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.
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A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?
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Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.
backstories film funny humour sequels twitter
If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants!
funny humour pants twitter wishes
I love making observations. That one is a classic example.
funny humour observations twitter
I'm off for two weeks, so until I get back, take the characters in this tweet and parcel them out one per day. Use this Q wisely.
funny holidays humour twitter
The Yankees' Facebook page was hacked. The hacker was immediately purchased and signed to a 5 year contract with the Yankees.
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It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.
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Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I'm post-tweeting today. I'll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists.
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There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. Since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).
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Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.