I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, 'What are you doing here, you've never worked a day in your life!'.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, What for? I said, I'm going to buy some sugar.
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, Here, you can go.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
My friend invented Cliff's Notes. When I asked him how he got such a great idea, he said, Well, first I... I just... well, to make a long story short...
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, Hello, Information. I said, I can't find my socks. She said, They're behind the couch. And they were!
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours. He said, Yes, but not in a row.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day 'cause that means it's gonna be up all night.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.