A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.
So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, What appears to be the problem? I said, I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away. He said, How can I help? I said: break my arms.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
So I went to the dentist. He said Say Aaah. I said Why? He said My dog's died.'
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me Can you give me a lift? I said Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already.
A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.
Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!
I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.