I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said on your mark...I was lost and asked a cop to help me find my parents do you think we'll find them, I don't know there's so many places to hideOn Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
places parents kids lost find priest halloween
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
kids birds
Ace The town will never be the same. After the Tangiers, the big corporations took it all over. Today it looks like Disneyland. And while the kids play cardboard pirates, Mommy and Daddy drop the house payments and Junior's college money on the poker slots. In the old days, dealers knew your name, what you drank, what you played. Today, it's like checkin' into an airport. And if you order room service, you're lucky if you get it by Thursday. Today, it's all gone. You get a whale show up with four million in a suitcase, and some twenty five year old hotel school kid is gonna want his Social Security Number. After the Teamsters got knocked out of the box, the corporations tore down practically every one of the old casinos. And where did the money come from to rebuild the pyramids Junk bonds. But in the end, I wound up right back where I started. I could still pick winners, and I could still make money for all kinds of people back home. And why mess up a good thing
disneyland college money people order home days security today good kids school end play pirates corporations lucky mess box wound social big bonds house thing
I used to envy kids who had an old fashioned Grandpa. Not any more. I've got a new ambition. Now I just want to become a modern type Grandpa myself and really start living.
ambition living kids start envy modern
Christmas is the time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell government what they want and their kids pay for it.
government thetimes time kids christmas adults santa
Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best.
kids teaching count
One of the things that keeps you from dropping them in the nearest volcano is that you had to work too hard to get them. You had to cry, you had to scream, you had to sweat, you had to cuss out health care officials, and when that's all over with, you'll be willing to put up with a lot more from your kids.
health work kids cry care hard things scream sweat
My cousins gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
funny humor kids gay school
My wife's not too smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. She said, all kids smell that way.
funny humor smart kids smell
I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps from moving cars.
funny humor real kids moving cars
I have three kids, one of each.
funny humor kids
My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the street, except the little kids, I out and lift my house up over my head. I tell them to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
funny humor home kids head made house
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare theneighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to getout of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
funny humor kids head made house
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
funny humor kids hands
On Halloween. The parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year. One kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different. When I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
funny humor door parents kids face hand answer halloween candy
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them ondoughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, theymake erector sets out of playdough.
funny humor kids found airplanes yesterday
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
funny humor kids train noise hear
Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
door history thought kids mask face open hand halloween candy
Ricky I don't know why we don't get a drink.. Sittin inside this place. Bobby I promised Chloe we'd come here Ricky She doesn't even know where the hell she is, Bob. She'd have more fun if we were at Bodners. She could play the triva game like she likes it, or the little racing game thing she does. Bobby She's a little girl, little girl's don't like to go to bars. Ricky We had fun, we went to bars when we were kids.. Met all the different people, right.. Remember Slimmy
people game fun kids remember play girl hell place drink inside racing thing
I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house.
kids wonderful house
I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.
kids school walk
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
kids baseball millionaire
Parents like the idea of kids, they just don't like their kids.
idea parents kids
Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want-and their kids pay for it.
government time kids christmas adults santa
Misery is when grown-ups don't realize how miserable kids can feel.
kids feel miserable misery realize
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