The abandonment came, and now this shabby bacchanal.
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This is much easier than when N left. Our son is unable to grasp and simultaneously turn doorknobs yet. If only this trick could be unlearned by men over thirty, many more families would celebrate Christmas together.
This is much worse than losing a cat. You do not wish the cat dead, for example, after the first two days. You still love the cat and presumably the cat still loves you, or some variation of love that may in fact be dependence and even indifference.
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This people know where their husbands are. I would like to vomit. I would like to vomit my soul out.
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People told me not to get married; I didn´t listen. No one ever listens, it seems to me now. Perhaps people should stop trying to communicate. N was not a communicator; early on, I´d insisted on communication. Now I see his point acutely. I would love to have him back to not communicate with me. I would never ask for communication again, I would simply go elsewhere for the deep fish. Also, I´m not at all sure I want to hear what he has to say in this new vista. This works out well.
The real genesis is forbidden to me, vis-? -vis N´s inability to confess even the mildest transgressions.
Conversely, I though humiliation would be everything, but it´s such a nothing.
I was steeped in denial, but my body knew.
He left a bit too easily and with obvious relief. His feet were swift and sure on the muddy path.
Blow O wind to where my loved one is. Touch him and come touch me soon. I'll feel his gentle touch through you and meet his beauty in the moon. These things are much for the one who loves. One can live by them alone: that he and I breathe the same air and that the Earth we tread is one. Ramayana
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I sensed he may have occasionally strayed in some of his past relationships. It was something I felt but ignored, a rent in the fabric of an otherwise splendid garment I thought I could mend. I thought I could live with it I thought, yes and I admit it, that I would be different. That at the very least, middle age and children would slow him down; however, they seemed to accelerate his pace.
