I've got all the money I'll ever need; if I die by four O'clock
Henry Youngman
I own a hundred and fifty books, but no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
books
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
marriage home wrong night woman affection tenderness house love give
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
dad time city bad drunk americaandamericans
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
man education poor teacher student worse
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
holidays atheist
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
marriage people time music dancing secret times dinner
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
marriage secrets happy secret
money die
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