The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.
Th' newspaper does ivrything f'r us. It runs th' polis foorce an' th' banks, commands th' milishy, controls th'ligislachure, baptizes th' young, marries th' foolish, comforts th' afflicted, afflicts th' comfortable, buries th' dead an' roasts thim aftherward.
Many a man that couldn't direct you to the drug store on the corner when he was 3 will get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind.
Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed be the facts.
There are no friends at cards or world politics.
The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married.
Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.
The world is not growing worse and it is not growing better -- it is just turning around as usual.
Th' first thing to have in a libry is a shelf. Fr'm time to time this can be decorated with lithrachure. But th' shelf is th' main thing.
One of the strangest things about life is that the poor, who need the money the most, are the ones that never have it.
Th' dead ar-re always pop'lar. I knowed a society wanst to vote a monyment to a man an' refuse to help his fam'ly, all in wan night.
A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks the Lord would do if He knew the facts of the case.
Don't jump on a man unless he is down.
In England a man is presoomed to be innocent till he's proved guilty an' they take it f 'r granted he's guilty. In this counthry a man is presoomed to be guilty ontil he's proved guilty an' afther that he's presoomed to be innocent.
A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks th' Lord wud do if He knew th' facts iv th' case.