Life does not cease to be funny when people die; any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
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Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
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If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
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I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
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If you pretend to be good, the world takes you very seriously. If you pretend to be bad, it doesn't. Such is the astounding stupidity of optimism.
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Plain women are always jealous of their husbands. Beautiful women never are. They are always so occupied with being jealous of other women's husbands.
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Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
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The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
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Arguments out of a pretty mouth are unanswerable.
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Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.
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Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.
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You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.
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If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
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Very funny Scotty, now beam me my clothes!
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Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading.. And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
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It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
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My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia.
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There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
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A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
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I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.
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Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
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Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club, don't you?
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