Life does not cease to be funny when people die; any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
If you pretend to be good, the world takes you very seriously. If you pretend to be bad, it doesn't. Such is the astounding stupidity of optimism.
Plain women are always jealous of their husbands. Beautiful women never are. They are always so occupied with being jealous of other women's husbands.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
Arguments out of a pretty mouth are unanswerable.
Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.
You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Very funny Scotty, now beam me my clothes!
Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading.. And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia.
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club, don't you?
You must log in to post a comment.
There are no comments yet.