The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney..
funny humor love stones
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
funny humor live air place guy
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
funny humor fishing idiot
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building.. On the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
funny humor people walking day dog afraid
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, right here, officer. Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, Get out of my driveway!
car funny humor home night cars house
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
funny humor people walking shadows day woods tree
The other day I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
funny humor people day house
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
funny wonder wonders humor grow ocean
Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. With braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge.. You can't hear him talk.
funny humor people weird false talk hear radio teeth ears bridge
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
funny humor time amnesia forgotten
Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
funny humor age people power yesterday
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
funny humor power time thought pictures face neighbors made lightning house
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, Didn't you see the stop sign? I said, Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
funny humor time running stop read sign
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.
funny humor dreams home world night asleep
My school colors were clear. We used to say, I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
funny humor naked school colors band
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
funny humor pet lost elephant
My neighbor has a circular driveway.. He can't get out.
funny humor neighbor
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
funny humor leave house
My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the street, except the little kids, I out and lift my house up over my head. I tell them to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
funny humor home kids head made house
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912.. Well, to make a long story short..
funny humor story short
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
funny humor numbers time hands
My girlfriend does her nails with whiteout. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
funny humor girlfriend words write asleep
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.
funny humor friend
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
funny humor age time rest cute waiting eat
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
funny humor people shadow
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