Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.
funny humor dreams world night asleep
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
funny health humor food ice guy wet
I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn't right. I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica. I couldn't believe it..I got my roommate and showed him. I said, Look at thiseverything's been replaced with an exact replica! He said, Do I know you?
funny humor night morning broken
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
funny humor arms
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
funny humor house paint
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, What for? I said, I'm going to buy some sugar.
funny humor money sugar
He is so old that his blood type was discontinued.
funny blood
Cells let us walk, talk, think, make love and realize the bath water is cold.
funny water talk biology walk cold realize love
An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.
funny mistakes man science made
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
funny technology work break lost
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
funny poetry people science
Anybody who has been seriously engaged is scientific work of any kind realizes that over the entrance to the gates of the temple of science are written the words: 'Ye must have faith.'
funny belief work faith science religion kind words written temple scientist
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they leftearlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
funny humor thinking
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get mycar going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've beenarrested three times for practicing.
funny humor play times window
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
car funny humor people lights stop
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare theneighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to getout of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
funny humor kids head made house
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity.. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons onyour head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweaterreal quick.
funny humor run head electricity house
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brickwallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only onewho knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, Go ahead, touchit.. It feels real.
funny humor people work real wall fake house
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.
funny humor order song guy
I went down to the store and bought some blank cassette tapes. When I got home I put one in my cassette deck and turned it upfull blast. I was walking around my house when I heard a knockon my door. It was my neighbor complaining about thenoise.. He's a mime.
funny humor door home walking neighbor complaining house
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got thewires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returnedthem to my friend, he said, Hey, these records are all blank.
funny humor friend records
I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not homeand somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busysignal. I like to leave messages before the beep.
funny humor age machine leave phone hear
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, Hello, Information. I said, I can't find my socks. She said, They're behind the couch. And they were!
funny humor information morning find
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I calledsomeone. They went Aaaaahhhh..
funny humor phone
My VCR flashes 01: 35, 01: 35, 01: 35,..
funny humor
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