Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
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Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.
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God writes a lot of comedy.. The trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
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You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
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We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics.
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The embarrassing thing is that the salad dressing is outgrossing my films.
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It's funny how dogs and cats know the inside of folks better than other folks do, isn't it
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America is not only big and rich, it is mysterious; and its capacity for the humorous or ironical concealment of its interests matches that of the legendary inscrutable Chinese.
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Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
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Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
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Business underlies everything in our national life, including our spiritual life. Witness the fact that in the Lord's Prayer, the first petition is for daily bread. No one can worship God or love his neighbor on an empty stomach.
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All great deeds and all great thoughts have a ridiculous beginning. Great works are often born on a street corner or in a restaurant's revolving door.
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Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.
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Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
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I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor.
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In most places in the country, voting is looked upon as a right and a duty, but in Chicago it's a sport.
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I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
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Humor brings insight and tolerance. Irony brings a deeper and less friendly understanding.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
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You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
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If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
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I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
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There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them.
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