God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
Thank you, God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough.
It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars.
I think the most un-American thing you can say is, 'You can't say that.'
Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head.
A book is a gift you can open again and again.
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function
The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose
Where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking and all the children are above-average.
It (The New York Times) reads like it was edited by two elderly sociologists, one of whom has been dead for many years
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize I'm going to miss mine by just a few days
Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known.
It was luxuries like air conditioning that brought down the Roman Empire. With air conditioning their windows were shut, they couldn't hear the barbarians coming.
Being Lutheran, Mother believed that self-pity is a deadly sin and so is nostalgia, and she had no time for either
A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded pistol on your coffee table - There's nothing wrong with them, but it's hard to stop thinking about it