If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
funny god diamonds
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
funny
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
funny computers chess boxing computer beat
My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
funny profound influence father lunatic
I rant, therefore I am.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
funny humor marriage judgement judge married
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
funny dad mothers day wife forget call
You're only as good as your last haircut.
funny good
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
funny live james guy love
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
funny housekeeping divorce house
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
funny people child
What does it mean to pre board? Do you get on before you get on?
I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
funny universe fire water
The world is a funny paper read backwards. And that way it isn't so funny.
funny world read paper
Funny peculiar or funny ha ha
From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
funny things
If you can't be funny, be interesting.
funny life interesting
You can't really be strong until you see a funny side to things.
funny life strong things side
The funny thing about stopping is that as soon as you do it, here you are.
funny thing
It's a funny thing about life if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.
funny life accept thing
It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
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Funny how just when you think life can't possibly get any worse it suddenly does.
funny life worse
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny..'
funny science hear exciting
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