It's always me, isn't it? I'm not really a very nice person, but for some reason it's always me that they come to with their problems.
Jeff Lindsay
Really now: If you can't get me my newspaper on time, how can you expect me to refrain from killing people?
funny humor murder killing newspaper
Of course it was a terrible thing, and the world would be a much better place without someone in it who could do that, but did that mean we had to miss lunch?
funny humor perspective priorities
A man who discovers his pants are on fire tends to have very little time to worry about somebody else's box of matches
funny humor philosophical
After a long moment I closed the freezer door. I wanted to lie down and press my cheek against the cool linoleum. Instead I reached out with my little finger and flipped the Barbie's head. It went thack thack against the door. I flipped it again. Thack thack. Whee. I had a new hobby.
random dexter
It was such an unexpected and genuine smile that if I only had a soul I'm sure I would have felt quite guilty.
soul unexpected
Have you noticed how difficult it is just to get along in the world? If you're no good at all in your job, people treat you badly and eventually you will be unemployed. And if you're a little better than competent, everyone expects miracles from you, every single time. Like most of life, it's a no-win situation. And if you dare to mention it, no matter how creatively you phrase your complaints, you are shunned as a whiner.
work jobs fairness
This was just no fun. I wanted my brain back.
brain
And I was having too much fun to stop now.
fun stop
problems
I am not shy about admitting my modest talents. For example, I am happy to admit that I am better than average at clever remarks, and I also have a flair for getting people to like me. But to be perfectly fair to myself, I am ever-ready to confess my shortcomings, too, and a quick round of soul-searching forced me to admit that I had never been any good at all at breathing water. As I hung there from the seat belt, dazed and watching the water pour in and swirl around my head, this began to seem like a very large character flaw.
smart dexter witty blood dark-humor
No blood at all. I could hear that phrase repeat itself in my head, louder each time. No sticky, hot, messy, awful blood. No splatter. NO BLOOD AT ALL. Why hadn't I thought of that?
blood
Anybody can be charming if they don't mind faking it, saying all the stupid, obvious, nauseating things that a conscience keeps most people from saying. Happily, I don't have a conscience. I say them.
conscience
Me, feeling. What a concept.
feeling
Saturday morning was their unrestricted television time, and they usually took advantage of it to watch a series of cartoon shows that would certainly have been impossible before the discovery of LSD.
funny humor television cartoons
I was good at being charming, one of my very few vanities.
vanity
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