I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that
On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.
The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability.
All books can be indecent books, though recent books are bolder.<br/>For filth, I'm glad to say, is in the mind of the beholder. <br/>When correctly viewed, everything is lewd. <br/>I could tell you things about Peter Pan,<br/>And the Wizard of OZ, there's a dirty old man!
On Christmas day you can't get sore, Your fellow man you must adore, There's time to cheat him all the more The other three hundred and sixty-four
If I can't get people to commit themselves on whether or not there is a square root of two, then I won't touch on God or anything here
If a person feels he can't communicate, the least he can do is shut up about it.
Once all the Germans were warlike and mean But that couldn't happen again We taught them a lesson in nineteen eighteen And they've hardly bothered us since then
When you get to fifty-two food becomes more important than sex.
I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.
Life is like a sewer... what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
An actress must never lose her ego - without it she has no talent.
In the new approach, as you know, the important thing is to understand what you are doing rather than to get the right answer
In my youth there were words you couldn't say in front of a girl; now you can't say 'girl'
Bad weather always looks worse through a window.
It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.
Base eight is just like base ten really, if you're missing two fingers
Brush your teeth with the best toothpaste,<br/>Then rinse your mouth with industrial waste.
Apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?
If anyone disagrees with anything I say, I am quite prepared not only to retract it, but also to deny under oath that I ever said it
If after hearing my songs just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend or perhaps to strike a loved one it will all have been worth the while.
The real issues I don't think most people touch. The Clinton jokes are all about Monica Lewinsky and all that stuff and not about the important things, like the fact that he wouldn't ban landmines.
You can make fun with Saddam Hussein jokes... but you can't make fun of, say, the concentration camps. I think my target was not so much evil, but benign stupidity people doing stupid things without realising or, instead, thinking they were doing good
Life is like a piano. What you get out of it depends on how you play it.
Oh, soon we'll be out amid the cold world's strife. Soon we'll be sliding down the razor blade of life. Oooh.