But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
Tim Vine
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
home voice speaking phone
So I said to the Gym instructor Can you teach me to do the splits? He said How flexible are you?. I said I can't make Tuesdays.
teach
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
nice today left driving
I was reading a book.. 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.
reading history book
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.
chinese red
small love
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
calling swimming
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.
thought
So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
complaint
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
car time road tree driving boss
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
funny humor dark-humor
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
dad people family
I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
places people
People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
effort funny comics people
With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke.
people
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