Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, 'What are you doing here, you've never worked a day in your life!'.
Stephen Wright
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
car amazing sounds
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
friend babies baby
life vacation day babies beach
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, What for? I said, I'm going to buy some sugar.
money bankersandbanks sugar
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
birthday happy
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
funny cats cat land
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
chance luck bad mirror
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly).. And says, Here, you can go.
purpose cheating focus moving photo
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child.. Eventually.
children child box sand
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
mirrors christmas
Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time
time fall feel doingyourbest
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.
dreams home world television night asleep
I had to stop driving my car for a while.. The tires got dizzy.
car stop driving
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
fishing idiot
My friend invented Cliff's Notes. When I asked him how he got such a great idea, he said, Well, first I.. I just.. Well, to make a long story short..
friendship idea friends story friend great short
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