The story the Leavers have been enacting for the past three million years isnt a story of conquest and rule. Enacting it doesnt give them power. Enacting it gives them lives that are satisfying and meaningful to them. This is what youll find if you go among them. Theyre not seething with discontent and rebellion, not incessantly wrangling over what should be allowed and what forbidden, not forever accusing each other of not living the right way, not living in terror of each other not going crazy because their lives seem empty and pointless, not having to stupefy themselves with drugs to get through the days, not having a new religion every week to give them something to hold on to, not forever searching for something to do or something to believe in that will make lives worth living. And I repeat this is not because they live close to nature or have no formal government or because theyre innately noble. This is simply because theyre enacting a story that works well for people a story that worked well for three million years and that still works well where the Takers havent yet managed to stamp it out.
I start to feel like I cant maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I dont know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... I dont know the answer, I know only that I cant. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. Ive had it. I am so tired. I am twenty and I am already exhausted.
You know it ain't easy <br/>For these thoughts here to leave me<br/>There's no words to describe it<br/>In French or in English<br/>Well, diamonds they fade<br/>And flowers they bloom<br/>And I'm telling you<br/>These feelings won't go away<br/>They've been knockin' me sideways<br/>They've been knockin' me out lately<br/>Whenever you come around me<br/>These feelings won't go away <br/>They've been knockin' me sideways<br/>I keep thinking in a moment that<br/>Time will take them away<br/>But these feelings won't go away.
I never asked you to earn me. I want only that you should need me. Your path is not one of merit. Bring the recurring desires of your mind to me, every time they emerge. They cannot shock me, for I willed them! Bring me your confusion, your fear, your craving, your anxiety, your inability to love the world, your hesitation to serve, your jealousy, all the deficiencies that defy your spiritual disciplines.
We try a new drug, a new combination <br/>of drugs, and suddenly <br/>I fall into my life again <br/><br/>like a vole picked up by a storm <br/>then dropped three valleys <br/>and two mountains away from home. <br/><br/>I can find my way back. I know <br/>I will recognize the store <br/>where I used to buy milk and gas. <br/><br/>I remember the house and barn, <br/>the rake, the blue cups and plates, <br/>the Russian novels I loved so much, <br/><br/>and the black silk nightgown <br/>that he once thrust <br/>into the toe of my Christmas stocking.